As we age or encounter challenges, our friends become increasingly essential, serving as our circles of light, says Bernadette Petrie.

Hello, dear reader; it feels good to be writing this column again, after three years of extracts from my book, Permission to Shine. Thank you to the editor for selecting chapters for publication, allowing me to show up in the magazine with no effort on my part. I took a break from writing after being diagnosed with breast cancer in 2020, which led to early menopause. A year later, my whole world fell apart. The road to recovery was long, and just when I thought I was starting to see the light, I was diagnosed with cancer a second time. I have stage 4 lung and liver cancer, and this has brought a sharp focus to all that is important in my life – writing being one of them. 

Cancer has been mentally, physically and spiritually challenging – yet it has also been full of love and blessings, which take my breath away. Throughout, I’ve realised how important my circles of light have become. I’m blessed to be surrounded by them – in terms of immediate family and close female friends. 

As women age, our close female friend groups are one of the most important aspects of our happiness and longevity. This is not to negate male friendships, but as women, there is something very important about the kind of women we surround ourselves with. (If you are a man reading this, your male circles of light are equally important!) I’ve had to learn to ask for help in ways I couldn’t have imagined as I navigate this chapter in my life, and it’s been incredibly humbling, rewarding and frightening at the same time.

Female friendship is something many of us struggle with, possibly due to early childhood experiences. It didn’t come naturally to me as the first four years of my life were dominated by close sibling relationships. I didn’t have to go elsewhere for companionship, so the challenge of making friends became real when I started school. I’ve talked with many friends over the past few months about friendships and have been astounded by how many struggled with this in their early years. 

The common thread is we don’t believe we are enough to be someone’s real friend. This is a toxic and untrue thought, and it is one we need to shake off as we move into the later stages of life, as it’s never too late to surround yourself with meaningful friends. One of the many things I love about my friends is they have different personalities and can provide me with the different things I need from friendship. Some make me laugh out loud; some help me be more adventurous, while others bring out my compassionate side. All of these friendships are vital for our health and well-being. 

So, what could your circles of light look like? Think about the women in your life. Some friends from childhood will still be with you, others have been left in the past. Perhaps there is a friendship to be rekindled and enhanced – Christmas is a perfect time to reconnect with them. Other circles of light could be a swimming group, sewing group, a book club, an art club or a volunteering group. Finding meaningful friendships by sharing a passion can only be positive.
I meet with a small group of women every morning at 8 am to go for a sea swim, and this circle of light single-handedly keeps me grounded and present in a way that nothing else does. At the same time, I find myself meditating and imagining all my beautiful female friends and family members from around the world in a circle together. This is a very powerful visualisation, and I know that love amongst us is very strong. 

Living with incurable cancer is not something I contemplated having to do, yet here I am, seven months in, and these circles of light have sustained, fed and nurtured me through it. I’ll finish with a short poem I wrote; I hope it helps you find your circles of light. A close friend, Alisoun Mackenzie, has written a book called Nourishing Friendships: How to Make Friends You Love in Midlife and Beyond. It may also help – you can find it on Amazon.

The circle of light is you and me
It’s a place its safe to be
the shame the shadows
they fall away
We question our thoughts
we change the way
When we change the way we see the world
we change the way we are.

You can buy Bernadette’s book from: NØRDEN 82 High St, North Berwick.